The At-Home Internet Stupidity Test FAQ

Question: Is this the test?

Answer: No, this is the FAQ. Take the test here.

Question: What does FAQ stand for? It sounds like the noise a bird would make.

Answer: It stands for Frequently Asked Questions. Please do not make bird noises.

Question:Will taking the At-Home Internet Stupidity Test hurt?

Answer: No, taking the test will not hurt if you take precautions not to give yourself a paper cut when writing down your answers.

Question: If I take the test and I find out that I'm really stupid, will I have to tell my friends?

Answer: If you find out that you are really stupid, then trust us, you friends already know.

Question: How is a stupidity test different from an intelligence test?

Answer: An intelligence test attempts to determine how smart you are; we're doing just the opposite here, trying to find out how stupid you are. You wouldn't use the same thermometer to test the temperature of a bowl of ice and a pot of hot coffee, would you?

(If you answered, "Yes, I would use the same thermometer", then you can probably skip the test. If you answered, "Of course, not" then you may be a good candidate for our test).

Question:Is the test expensive?

Answer: Expensive is a relative term. Do you have any rich relatives? Then get the money to pay for it from one of them.

Question: Just how expensive is the At-Home Internet Stupidity Test?

Answer: It hard to say before you actually take the test. The price of the test is directly proportional to how stupid you turn out to be.

Question: That sounds scientific. Is it that scientific?

Answer:Yes, it's that scientific. And you should know from watching years of television that you can always trust science. You do trust science don't you?

Question:Will my religion affect my results on the At-Home Internet Stupidity Test?

Answer: We, here at D.I.S.S., find that question wholly reprehensible. Look, if God exists, He surely loves stupid people or He wouldn't have made so many of them. And just like God, we love stupid people too. Don't let all that science talk give you the impression that we don't like stupid people because we love stupid people. If it weren't for stupid people, we'd be completely out of business and we'd have to find something else to do. Do you know how hard it is to find a job these days? There is simply no truth to the rumor that we make fun of our clients to their face. (What we say behind closed doors is clinical, and is none of your bees wax).

Question: Will taking the At-Home Internet Stupidity Test hurt?

Answer: We've already answered that question. You should go ahead and take the test.

Question: What if I'm not satisfied with my test results? Should I get a second opinion?

Answer: We, here at D.I.S.S., stand behind our work and if we tell you that you are stupid, then you can believe it. In fact, we back up every diagnosis of stupidity with the following guarantee: if you can find someone to tell you that you're not stupid after we've already told you that you are stupid, we will diagnosis that person as "dumber than you" and we won't even charge a penny for that second diagnosis.

Question: Will my health insurance cover the cost of this test?

Answer: We are almost 100% confident that your health insurance carrier will not pay for this exam. If you can find an insurance company willing to pay for this service, would you please let us know? We've been looking for an insurance company as stupid as our clients for a long time and so far, we have come up short. The problem, as we understand it, is that a person can be really very stupid and still match most insurance companies definition of healthy. Try not to worry about it; if you can't send us all the money at one time, we'll be glad to accept smaller amounts from you for the rest of your natural life.

Question: Does stupidity typically run in families?

Answer: Most definitely. If you have stupid relatives, then you are at high risk of being stupid too. Please, have yourself checked out before you pass on your stupid genes to another generation. If you are not willing to do this for yourself, then think of America. How will television in America ever get any better if stupid people keep having children? Taking the At-Home Stupidity Test is a step in the right direction. Don't you have hope that someday your children will have better TV than you have right now?

Question: Are you approved or regulated by any government agencies?

Answer: Why does everything have to be "approved" or "regulated" by the government? What are you, some kind of communist? While we are not officially "approved" by an government agency, we are neither currently under any investigation (that we know about). As far as we are concerned, there are literally thousands of government officials who could benefit from services.

Question: If we have a friend or relative who we suspect of being stupid, should we refer them to your at-home test?

Answer: Oh, absolutely. In fact, we here at D.I.S.S. maintain that if you suspect someone of being stupid, you have a moral and ethical obligation to talk them into being checked out by us. We recommend that if you do know someone who needs to take the test, that you should go ahead and take the test yourself so you can tell them that its nothing to be ashamed of.

Question: So, it's okay to take the test even if I do not believe I am stupid?

Answer: Just by asking that particular question, we can tell that you would benefit from taking our test. Look, if you take the test and it turns out that you are indeed "not stupid" then the cost of the test is negligible. But, if you were to find out that you are stupid and you never suspected it, then the price of the test is well worth the peace of mind that you will gain knowing that your crappy life really isn't your fault after all, you're just stupid and you've been doing the best you could all along.

Question: Can people do stupid things without being stupid?

Answer: While it's certainly possible that an otherwise intelligent person may from time to time do something stupid, it's nearly impossible for a stupid person to do something intelligent. That's why you may want to go ahead and get yourself checked out; if you take the test and find out that you are certifiably stupid, then you can give up on trying to make intelligent decisions, and you may, in fact, want to join some organization (such as the army or a cult) that is willing to make all of your decisions for you. It's your life, don't ruin it by making all of your own decisions if you are just too stupid to take good care of yourself.

Question: Could I secretly give the test to my boss?

Answer: That would be unethical. Nonethess, if you can get him (or her) to pay for it afterwards, we highly recommend that you do so. Remember: ethics are all well and good, but ethics never put shoes on our children's feet either.

Question: Do I really need a professional to tell me that I'm stupid. Can't I just rely on my parents, my boss, or my teachers?

Answer: While the people who are telling you that you are stupid have a pretty good shot at being right, wouldn't you want to know from someone who is objective, someone who doesn't know you, and someone who isn't going to hold it against you if you're also ugly as well?

Convinced? Good!

Now click on the logo below to take the test.